My Zoe

She is complicated to some, but I can understand. She gives me hints to what she's thinking. She communicates with me without revealing all her thoughts directly. That would violate the "teenage code". Her life is pretty easy, although to her, it seems hard sometimes. She endures the awe of the 13y/o with kindness and, at times, extreme patience. She has nothing but love for the infant. Sometimes she devotes her time to him only, taking him to her room and playing with him for hours.

Zoe can be a trying soul at times. Her pranks have caused her Dad hours of frustration. They bump heads, she cries, she pouts, he gives in, happiness again. With me, she holds a grudge because I'm not so easy. I remember what it was like being a 15y/o, so I don't give in so simply. Zoe knows how far she can go with me. She's not so very much trouble, however. She spends a lot of her time being Youth Council President at church. She loves her position. The 13y/o likes her big sister being in charge.

So that's my Zoe. Church leader, advanced placement sophmore, oldest daughter, and teen with minimal angst. My first child, almost 16 years old.

Changes

My son has changed so much in 4 months. Not in appearance, but in personality. Watching him now gives me so much joy. He interacts with each of us differently. With Zoe, he observes closely how she talks (usually on the phone) and laughs. He plays happily with Ashlee, she dangles toys for him to grab. With Hubby he laughs loudly, "Daddy" literally means fun to most kids. With me, he vocalizes constantly. While I read to him, he talks about the books with me (I think).

I miss him being a newborn, but I love how he's growing right before my eyes...chubby, bright-eyed, and breastfed!

The Future is Near

School days are getting closer. My daughters both love school. The 15y/o is going into the 10th grade, the 13y/o is going to the 8th grade. They are young ladies now (the 13y/o still sleeps with Mommy sometimes) and I just get teary thinking about them going away to college. Zoe only has 2 years of high school left after this year. She can't wait. I can, she wants to go to Spelman in Atlanta. My baby half a world away, I hate thinking about it. She'll be too young to be so far away from Mommy.

Ashlee wants to go to UNLV. I can handle that. I knew she wouldn't leave Mommy. Ashlee won't break Mommy's heart going all the way across country. And besides the fact that Baby Josef will still be here (Zoe is laughing herself silly while I write this), it still won't be the same without the girls. Maybe I'm being selfish (stop laughing at me, girls). I know I'll still be Mommy, I know they will still need me and I'll get over Ashlee not sleeping with me because Josef will be sleeping with me (you can stop laughing now, Zoe).

Naptime

I miss my baby at naptime. Even when he's asleep right next to me, I miss him. The cuteness is just too much to be away from even for a moment. And to make things worse, he makes adorable little noises while he is napping. It takes all my strength not to wake him up an take all his sugars. The 13y/o hovers around his room to try and get all the fresh post-nap sugars for herself. I've got to make up a plan to distract her so the sugars will be all mine. Yesterday, I heard him on the monitor, went up, and she already had him, stealing all the fresh sugar kisses I had waited 3 hours to get. That cannot happen again. She has got to understand that post-nap sugars belong to Mommy. During the night, the 15y/o and the 13y/o have their sugars stolen by me while they're asleep. Post-nap baby sugars are MINE! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Sleeper

Josef is now sleeping all night. I miss the 3am nursing, because this late at night, I have him all to myself. My sleeping is still tuned to his 3am feedings, so I am usually awake, just in case he wakes up. I spend my time waiting in my studio working on a piece I plan to sell at auction. I'm also working on a poster for the WIC program, but that's daytime work. I am alone unless the 13 y/o comes downstairs. She's my shadow, and she can smell when I'm in my studio. Tonite, I can work. I've checked on the baby a dozen times. He is so cute, it's all I can do not to wake him so I can satisfy my longing to hold him. Since he's sleeping all night, we have a ritual we go through before his bedtime. First, a bath. Next, a full baby massage featuring a jazz cd donated by the 15 y/o. Finally I read him Goodnite Moon while I nurse him, then he falls asleep for the night. I miss Baby Sugars (nickname given by the 13 y/o). I love to watch him nurse, he smiles and gazes so sweetly. He usually wakes around 6am, I think I'll go nap in his room until he wakes.

The Holiday Weekend!

independance day weekend was so much fun! on friday, i took the kids to the library. we spent two hours there. while the 13-year-old searched for manga that she hadn't read, the baby and i strolled around, enjoying the children's section. i can't wait until he is old enough to pick out books he wants me to read to him. the whole section is adorable with chairs and tables for the kids, a puppet show area, and a theater for movies and plays. Ashlee loves the teen section, she loves to sit in there and read. Zoe likes to go with her friends and use the study rooms. on saturday, we all went shopping in vegas. i love las vegas, it's where my family lives. it turned out to be a great family trip. on sunday, the whole family went to church before going to my dad's for barbecue. monday we all went to my grandmothers for dinner at her house before returning home. the baby made the trip well, he acually slept there and back. can't wait to see vegas again, without the kids!

Artists' Block

I love art auctions. I enter different ones a couple times a year, sometimes online. The 13-year-old has chosen to help me with a piece I plan on sculpting. She helped me early on by going over about 2 dozen sketches I made and helping me choose the 2 we plan on modeling. I love her interest, she's never shown any in working in stone. She usually draws on her laptop, taking it practically everywhere. The 15-year-old will sometimes sketch outfits when she's got something on her mind (boys), but she usually ignores her creativity unless we're shopping. I am happy my daughters inherited my skills, it really helps me communicate with them. They wander into my studio to spend time with me, discussing their problems and inviting me to offer advice. My little girls are getting older, yet they still feel close enough to Mommy to talk about what's bothering them, and I feel very lucky. Teens don't always talk to their parents, and I will do everything I can to always be accessible when they need me.

Josef On The Move

My son rolled over today.

I put him down for his tummy time after a quick dip in the sink to freshen up before his nap. I was surprised the he emptied both boobs without falling asleep, and I thought a little tummy time might get him in the mood for a nap. While cleaning his bathroom, I hear the 13-year-old clapping and going, "yay!" I turn the corner to see him lying on his back, looking surprised. Ashlee says, "Mama, he rolled over!" I'm like yeah right and put him back on his tummy. Before I was out of the room Ashlee says, "Mama look, look!" My son is rolling over right before my eyes! Tears welled up in my eyes. I snatched him up and hugged him. Three months old and he's rolling over...before long, he'll be walking, then graduating high school. I think all the way back to when the 15-year-old rolled over, and how exciting that was for me. Watching my children grow and change is truly a wonderful experience, and I well up with pride thinking of how they are going to make the world so much better: Zoe, forming her own jazz band featuring her on flute, Ashlee, producing her own anime cartoons, and Josef, kicking ass in the MMA cage (according to his father). I am so proud looking at each one of them, and I love them so much.

Better Day

i thought friday would be better than thursday's hell at the social security office. those people live to aggravate. my hubby returning home was the brightest spot of the day. no, the long, hot bath was the brightest spot (sorry hun). anyhoo, friday began with breakfast; eggs benedict (from hubby), eggos (from 13yo), sunny d (from 15yo), and sugar slob kisses (baby josef). after feeding the baby and myself, i walk to the den to find it destroyed, along with the kitchen, and not another soul in the house. just when i fluff the last pillow in the den, my husband shows up and says the girls are at the mall. no sooner than we start, i discover there's no more spermicide for the stupid diaphram. damn! Hubby says, let's go get more. it took me 30 minutes to get ready and another hour to blast him off the x box 360. we end up at walmart where i go nuts shopping and forget the spermicide. we stop at walgreens and get it, and by then it's time to get the girls from the mall. get home to find the baby didn't sleep a wink while we were gone. he was fussy and tired. i fed him and put him down for his nap so i could go see what his dad was up to. he's back on the 360. friday turned out to be just as crazy as thursday, and i still haven't used the spermicide. damn! maybe...aww screw it (no pun intended).   

Well Baby

i took the little man to the doctor today for his checkup. i was pleased. he now weighs 13.9lbs and he is 23in long! i am so proud my baby is thriving so well on breastmilk. i still feed on demand, and he will nurse once or twice during the night. the doctor's office looks great now, they have separate waiting rooms for the sick and well children. sitting in the well child lobby, i watched Tangled on the flatscreen, while politely shooing away cute kiddies who got to close to my baby's face. little kids like to touch, but some parents aren't big on sanitizing and so i have an aversion to kids touching my son. i even make my own girls wash their hands before they pick him up.

after we got home, i called my husband and relayed the news of his well visit. of course he says the baby is doing so well because of his genes, but i know it's because of mommy's good breastmilk. tonight i'm going to start pumping again, i haven't pumped in a while because that and nursing had begun to make me really sore. but my husband wants to feed him so he can bond with him. he's asleep now, and i'm headed down to my studio to work on sketch for a piece i plan on sculpting for a show in october. it will be a challenge, the 13-year-old's down there and i'll have to crawl past the den to keep her from seeing me! ;-)

Late Night

sitting in my son's room, watching him sleep and pumping. now that he is down for the night i can prepare him for the next day. well baby visit tomorrow. can't wait to ask what to do about his adorable thumb-sucking. it's cute, but the 15-year-old ended up needing braces after sucking her thumb. she got them off this year, along with her back brace (she has scoliosis). the 13-year-old is creating another masterpiece for youtube. she carefully draws and colors each scene of her movies, all on her laptop, and uploads them. she has her laptop with her whenever i see her, and she still finds time to be social. she's socializing with me right now. when i leave his room i will be in her's until i go downstairs to my bedroom. my husband is in vegas, so i'm sure she will find her way in bed with me before morning. be sure to check out Echostar24 on youtube to see what my baby can do  

Everyday

everyday, i paint a little, draw a little, sketch a little. ashlee, my 13 year old, she is into manga. she tries to outdo me and sometimes she does. the only difference in us is that she only creates manga. i am a more classical artist. i use oil on canvas, and i love sketching in charcoal. maybe once or twice a year i will sculpt a piece, and they are donated to be autioned for the homeless. my studio is in home. ashlee is not allowed inside, she hates this rule. it tickles me to see the look on her face when i go to the door, a look of hope mixed with envy. once i let her inside and she created a mess with her supplies. upon eviction of her things, she vowed to start her own studio in nyc after college that i would not be allowed in. since josef was born i have added a baby monitor to the studio to hear his little conversations and cries. so now i go to the studio, and i look forward to it.